A Brand New Look!

Oh well, I guess it's about time anyway... How long has it been since I was last online? I do appologize for not updating this space as often as I wanted to be, but now finally I get to do it.

Yesterday, someone asked me what I had been doing recently. I didn't know where to start. Shall I start with the oldest event? Not that I would like such an eventful life, in fact, I do prefer it to be simple and more relaxed. However facts of life doesn't allow me to lead such a life. No, I don't mean to curse and swear at the events that had happened, but really, I think I grew. Haha...

I'm glad when Shiyun of The Art Republic asked me to design and teach. Somehow that gave me a lot of strength and encouragement to do something I like. I'm glad to be scrapping and finding new friends or new techniques on the way. For a long time, I felt happy!

Then, slowly, I've decided that the new full-time job was not what I wanted to be in. I discovered that I was more unhappy, and slowly sinking into the reality of the real world. Maybe you can say I wasn't really to face the ugly politics, and I doubt I will. I know I will tend to lose out when I turn my back against reality, but I don't want to lose that little bit of sanity in me. It's kind of funny, but I do lose a little bit of direction now. No I do not regret the decision. Afterall, it was the best that I could have done at that point of time.

My grandmother was admitted into hospital. No words can explain how I felt. If it can get any darker than that period, it would have been my deathbed. But no, I can't fall because my grandmother needs me now more than ever.

Week 1: I see her suffer. She doesn't seem to really understand what is going on, just made to do test after test. The blood tests must have been horrible, I hate any form of injections and I could tell it hurts from the bruises she suffered even until now... The gastroscopy didn't tell why she had blood in her stools. So the doctor ordered endo-capsule. Now I would really have guessed it's swallowable, but when the real thing came to my sight, I nearly fainted. Photo was taken as close as the size of the actual item. Heart-aching to see my grandmother struggle to get this fancy pill through her throat. As if it's of any comfort, nothing was found after the endo-capsule.

Week 2: After not finding the actual problem, she returned home and only to admit herself again that next night. More blood in stools, and more checks were done. Made to go through colonoscopy, and the preparation to clear her lower intestinal system was very unbearing for me.

Week 3: Results were out. Colon cancer. I guess the worst thing was that we had no idea of the stage because her last check-up was 17 years ago when she had her first colon cancer. More tests, more pain. More tears in my heart.

Week 4: Operation. Those hours were like years to me. Recovery. Complications. More pain.

Now that grandmother is home, we still don't have a permanent maid to help her out. And it pains me to see that she is struggling to even walk from point to point. She is agitated that she is not as agile as before, and is more depressed. She speaks of death more often, and it hurts me to see her so sad.

Problems were never made in solo. At around the same time, there were things that stressed me further. When I went home that night, I must have cried till morning. Some harsh words were spoken and it made me very sad. It feels sad to be wronged but it was really all a misunderstanding. Still the next day, I had to perform my duty as a granddaughter. It was tough living through it, but I did survive.

Looking back, the days were tough. Each night I stayed over to take care of my grandmother at hospital. And in the day, I worked and continued on the class preparation because the classes will still have to run. I am very fortunate to have the AR team so supportive during that period, because I was unable to go AR very often to prepare for the classes. Even after grandmother was out of hospital, things were not running as smoothly as I hoped it would be. Without a helper, my grandmother had to depend on someone to do the daily chores. And we were uncomfortable to leave her alone at home without supervision.

I was away from my computer for 1 month+. I didn't even know my computer will boot up when I tried to switch it on! Now, slowly, I'm having more time to do the things I've meant to do. Times are tough; it just makes me a tougher person than I had been. I can't help to be afraid of losing my grandmother, but I can try to make that a force instead of fear. Thankfully, I'm facing the problem in a more positive way. I guess I've seen myself more of a stronger person than I was.So now, I'm picking up from where I left off. I now enjoy more time at AR, and more time for new projects. More time to create, more time to really sit down and enjoy the little bits of life that I've been missing out for the past 2 months.

Happy that it's time I made a resolution to moving on. Hopeful that my grandmother will get better. Thankful for designing and teaching in AR. Grateful to still have my friends close by to depend on. :) No matter how tough life turns out to be, stop for awhile to smile. Cheers my friends!


Marcelle said...

Hi Stacy,
My prayers for your Nana, wishing she gets well.

Stacy said...

Thanks marcelle! Have a great week ahead yourself too! Missed seeing you! :)